Too Many Words, Too Many Lies
by Now.Get.This
Summary: I stomped to the bathroom and stared at my reflection in the mirror. All I could think of myself was what they told me. You're a fag. You're a loser. Everyone hates you. Everyone hates me, I told myself. - A Short Stack fanfic.
1. Prologue

_Wednesday night, November 25 2009_

"I guess we shouldn't drink too much tonight considering we gotta get up early tomorow," Shaun said, looking at our beers sitting opened in front of us on the table.

"Don't be stupid Shaun. Here, have another drink," Andy said, pushing Shaun's beer to him and taking a drink from his own. Alex chuckled and took a sip of his own drink. I rested my elbow on the table and my chin in my hand. I looked over the papers we had on the table. Some were for our hotel reservations, some were maps printed off the internet with lines drawn on them to mark out where we would drive.

"How are we gonna choose who drives?" I asked. We were driving from city to city. I didn't mind much, it was cheaper than flying. I just wasn't looking forward to all the driving I would have to do. I looked at the others, sitting lifelessy at the table. Bailey looked dead, Alex and Jade weren't doing much either though Shaun and Andy looked pretty happy.

"Don't worry Bradie, we're not gonna trust you with the driving," Andy said, smiling at me like I was a little kid. I grinned but inside I was devastated. He had gone the whole day without insulting me or making fun of me. And I was in a good mood. Now he'd ruined it. The grin dissapeared off my face, I couldn't pretend to be happy for long.

"I dunno, we'll just keep swapping over every few hours," Shaun said, sitting up straight in his chair and fixing up his hair. I nodded and had a mouthful of my drink. I was already tired and it was only ten o' clock. I thought Andy and I should probably leave soon anyway. We had to get up at 6am so we could leave by 8am tomorrow morning. We were driving to Melbourne first, then we'd come to Sydney and then to Brisbane and then back to Melbourne. I was excited about the tour and a little nervous too. I always got nervous before I played on stage. Could you blame me? Playing drums live to a huge crowd of people who actually probably wouldn't even notice if you messed up. But I would notice, and it would annoy me for ages.

"Well I gotta go to sleep early tonight or I'll never wake up in time," Bailey said, crossing his arms on the table and resting his head on them.

"We should go early too," I said to Andy. He shrugged and paused for a moment to think, taking yet another drink from his beer.

"Yeah, mum has to read you a bed time story and even she will be asleep soon," he said, looking for the time at the clock on the wall behind me. I scoffed and didn't say anything. Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! I thought. Just shut up!

"That's right," I replied. I'll act like it's not annoying me, then he'll stop.

"Alright fine we'll leave now," he said, standing up and stretching. He picked up his beer, taking one last drink from it and set it back down on the table. Then he looked at me still sitting down, "You coming?" he asked. I nodded and slowly stood up.

"Well, we'll see you guys here tomorow," I said, "See ya," The guys replied with mumbles of 'bye' and 'yeah see ya'. I walked around the table and stood beside Andy. He pulled his car keys out of his pocket and gave them to me.

"See ya kids!" he said and I followed him down the hallway to the front door. He opened the door and we stepped outside into the cold night air. Andy had driven us to Shaun's house in his car. I had to drive home. Probably a good idea since he had drunk three beers in an hour. We quickly walked down to the bottom of the drive where the car was parked. I quickly unlocked the car, wanting to get out of the cold. We got in and put on our seatbelts. I turned the car on.

"Turn on the heater!" Andy yelled straight away. He fiddled with the knobs, turning the heater on as high as it would go. We drove home quickly and in silence. When we got home I parked at the bottom of the driveway and we went inside. Our parents were still awake, sitting on the couch watching TV in the lounge room. The house was silent but the TV, I liked it that way. I walked past them to the staircase without saying a word. Andy sat down in the recliner, watching me walk away.

"You're home early," Mum said.

"Yeah Bradie didn't want to miss out on a bedtime story," he laughed as I walked by.

"Shut up," I hissed and went upstairs to my room.


	2. One

_Thursday night, December 17 2009_

"We're finally here, I could cry right now," Me too, "I'm so sick of that damn van we've been driving around in all week," Andy said as we got into the elevator. He walked in first, pulling his suitcase along behind him, I got in and stood in the corner. I had to look down, I was on the verge of tears and I was about to break down sobbing any minute. But I took a deep breath as Alex got in the elevator too and the doors shut. Andy pressed the button for our floor and we stood in silence except for the beeping of the elevator everytime we went to the next floor. Ding! Floor Six. The doors slowly opened and we rolled our suitcases out into the hallway. The walls of the hallway were windows, looking down on the busy streets of Melbourne. I stared down at the little people hurrying down the streets as we slowly walked along the hall, trying to find room 26.

"Twenty-four. . . Twenty-five. . . Twenty-six. The cool room," Alex said as he took out the key card and swiped it. The light on the door handle flashed green and we went inside. The hotel was quite nice. There was a little lounge room with a huge plasma screen TV mounted on the wall. There was an even tinier kitchen and two bedrooms with a connecting bathroom. I was sharing a room with Andy since I requested a single bed and Alex shot-gunned the double bed in the other bedroom before Andy did. We took our bags into our bedroom. I flicked on the light and the foil wrapper of the chocolates on the pillows caught the light.

"Oh yeah! Chocolate!" Andy yelled as he pushed past me into the bedroom. He went over to the bed by the window and dropped his backpack and suitcase onto the bed. He looked out the window, taking in the view while I still stood in the doorway watching him and wondering what in the world he was doing. He turned around, his hands on his hips and smiling at me.

"You're allowed to come in," he said, nodding at the bed on the other side of the room. I slowly walked over to it and put my bags on the ground beside it.

"Can't I have the bed by the window?" I asked. Andy turned to look at it for a moment before looking back at me.

"What's the difference?" he asked. I shrugged and turned away. I picked up my suitcase off the ground to get my phone charger out.

"There's no difference, I just wanted to sleep in that bed," I told him quietly as I unzipped my suitcase and rummaged through it. He'd been annoying me all day and I wasn't in the mood for him to be an asshole to me.

"Do you also want me to ring up one of the hotel people and ask them to come read you a bedtime story?" he asked in a baby voice. I shook my head.

"No thanks," I said politely in a small voice. The tears hadn't dissapeared completely but now they were back and I was ready to cry at any moment. I heard Andy sigh.

"I'm going to see what Shaun and the others are doing," he told me, before walking out of the hotel room and slamming the door shut behind him. I sat down on the bed and tried to blink away the tears. But that just made it worse, I started to cry. I didn't want to cry! I just wanted Andy to be nice to me. He's the reason I even cry. He makes me feel sad, feel bad about myself. He makes me think I should be someone else. I don't wanna be anyone else, I wanna be me. And I want to always be happy.

I wiped the tears off my cheeks on the back of my hand and tried to stop crying. I stood up and started going through my suitcase, I had to charge my phone. And maybe if I busy myself I won't want to cry so bad.

"Hey, you coming next door to the other room?" Alex asked from where he stood in the doorway.

"Nah, I just wanna unpack my stuff," I told him without turning around. He stood there a moment longer.

"You know we're only staying here two nights," he said. I still didn't turn around.

"I know, I'll come to their room in a minute," I said, my voice starting to shake.

"Alright," he said and he left the hotel room and went next door. I did find my phone charger and plugged it in. I sat down on the bed, staring at the lit up phone screen. It was a picture of Shaun, Jade and I play-fighting. It was a picture back from when I used to be happy. The only proof that I didn't used to feel this way. I had a life before this. I had other feelings before this.

I don't know how long I was sitting there but the phone out in the other room began to ring. I figured it was the guys calling me to tell me what our plans for tonight were. I went to the other room and found the phone on the desk in the corner of the lounge room. I picked it up.

"Hello?" I said, my voice still a little shaky from the crying I did before.

"Hi, is this the faggot drummer from that shit band Short Stack?" Andy, I thought.

"It certainly is, what can I do for you?" I asked in a bored tone of voice. He couldn't hold back his laughter anymore.

"Hey it's Andy, you're favourite. Um, we're going out to eat tonight. We figured you'd probaly wanna come with. wanna come?" he asked. I didn't even have to think about my answer.

"Nah I don't really feel like going out, I'm kinda tired too. I'll just get room service or somethin'," I told him.

"You sure? You'll be by yourself, the monsters under your bed might attack you, rawr!," he said, using that same baby voice as before. I rolled my eyes. Shut up! I thought.

"I'll call you if I get scared," I told him and hung up. They left a few minutes later. I knew 'cause Shaun came by just in case I'd changed my mind and wanted to go with them. He knocked on the door and I answered it.

"Hey fag, you sure you don't wanna come?" he asked. I nodded and fiddled with the zipper on my jacket.

"Nah, I'll just stay here," I said, "See ya," and I shut the door in his face. I couldn't stand to listen to their joking and insults anymore. I turned around, my fists clenched and my eyes starting to feel hot and watery. I stomped to the bathroom and stared at my reflection in the mirror. All I could think of myself was what they told me. You're a fag. You're a loser. Everyone hates you. Everyone hates me, I told myself. I could feel the anger bubbling up inside me. My fists were still clenched in tights balls and my teeth were clenched together so tight it was beginning to hurt. I was breathing heavy and I had to do something to release this feeling. I didn't know what I was doing. But I pulled up the sleeve of my jacket to reveal my left arm. Without realizing what I was doing I started scratching at my arms. Digging my nails into my skin and dragging it along. It left marks, bright red marks that would fade away by tomorow morning. I breathed heavy and tears fell onto my cheeks as I did this. I dug my nails into my arm and held it there, forcing my nails to break the skin. I held it there for half a minute, enjoying the pain and glad the anger was almost gone. I pulled my nails out of the grooves in my arms and stared atmy arm through blurry eyes. I could still make out the painful scratches on my arm and the four drops of blood emerging from the nail grooves.

* * *

_Friday night, December 18 2009_

It was after our last show of the tour, the show in Melbourne. It was really one of the best we had ever done. Shaun sang 'Rain On Her Parade' live for the first time. He did a great job and the crowd loved it. After the show we packed up our stuff and met some of the fans. Then we met up with Beau, Jay and Leon. Three of the guys from this small Melbourne band For Our Hero. There nice guys and they're band has supported us a few times at our shows. We had decided to skip dinner and go straight to a club considering it was already 11pm. We called taxi's and made our way to this club that Beau and Leon said we'd like.

So far no one has found out what I did last night. They'll never know either. After they came back from dinner we hung out in our room, just watching TV and filming a few things for Youtube. I did my best to put on a brave face and not cry. I had to blink back tears once or twice but other than that I was fine. And nobody asked any questions.

Today I felt better. I was in a good mood all day and I had alot of fun at the show. Not even Andy's few insults could hurt my mood. It wasn't until we got into the taxi that my mood changed around. It was raining, instantly putting me in a bad mood. Then some slow, sad song came on the radio and that was it. I was ready to cry. I know why I cry alot, but I'm never going to admit it and I could never say that word out loud anyway.

We arrived at the club, Shaun, Alex, Bailey and Jade all jumped out of the taxi. I paid for the taxi fare, they said they'd pay me back by buying me drinks at the club. We'll see about that. I slid out of the taxi and joined the guys in line. Andy, Beau, Leon and Jay were already in line waiting to get in. They had arrived a few minutes earlier in a seperate taxi. We stood in line in the freezing cold for about twenty five minutes before we got the front. I had this sudden nervous knot in my stomach, I was waiting for me to get knocked back at the front of the line. A perfect chance for the others to laugh and make fun of me. But nothing happened. The guy checked my ID and let me in with the others. When we got inside the dark club the urge to cry was even worse. But I thought it wouldn't be so bad now that we were inside. I thought it would be okay since no one could properly see my face. Again, I put on my brave face and held back those tears that soon dissapeared anyway. Alex kept his promise of buying me a drink and after I'd finished it I didn't even have that sad or angry feeling anymore. We were all sitting around on a couple of couches in the corner of the bar, talking to randoms and having a good time. Even I was starting to enjoy myself a little. Until we got up to dance. It was Andys idea. 'Hello Brooklyn' by All Time Low started to pound through the speakers. Andys face brightened up and he grinned excitedly.

"Come on, let's dance!" he yelled before running off and dissapearing into the huge crowd of people already dancing. I looked at the others. Leon, Alex, Jade, Beau, Bailey and Shaun had already gotten up and were going after Andy. I looked at Jay who was sitting on the opposite couch. He shrugged, grinned at me and got up.

"Come on," he yelled at me as he walked by. I put my drink down on the table and followed him to the dance floor. I pushed my way through the people to where my friends were dancing. Like crazy people. Obviously they'd already had too much to drink. And they were dancing horribly. It was actually pretty funny but it didn't work to change my mood. I slowly started to dance just so they wouldn't question me, when I bumped into this girl. Even though it was a crowded dance floor I turned around to say sorry. She smiled at me. From what I could see she had long hair and her make up was shining in the dark. I smiled at her to be polite and mouthed sorry. She smiled back and shrugged, moving closer to me. We danced together for not even a minute, and I was beginning to have fun. Until she was forced away from me by somebody else bumping into her. She started laughing and tried to push past the person and come back over to me. I reached my hand out to pull her over until this person turned around. Andy. He gave me a look that scared the devil out of me. In the dark I could tell this look said 'She'd never like you anyway, fuck off!' I immediately stopped dancing and stood still, staring at him as he kept that same look on his face. He turned away and grabbed her hand. She looked over at me but I turned around. Hot tears burned my eyes and that anger was bubbling up inside of me again. I had to get out. I took a shaky breath as I pushed through my group of friends to get out.

"Where you going?" Bailey yelled at me over the music as I tried to get out. He put his hand on my shoulder and pulled on it, trying to make me turn around. But I shrugged him off and forced my way out of the crowd of people. I looked around for the exit sign through my blurry eyes. It shone green in the dark, making it easier for me to get out of there. I practically ran for the door and walked outside into the fresh air. I took a deep breath but that wasn't even enough. I spotted a bench a few metres down the street. I'll go sit down, stop crying and go back in. I took a few steps towards the bench before I broke down in the middle of the side walk. I fell onto my knees and scrunched up into a ball. I hadn't realized but my fists had been clenched and like last night my jaw was clenched, making my teeth ache. I covered my face with my hands and cried. I didn't care who saw me. I didn't care if anyone saw me, I just had to cry.

"Bradie?" I heard someone call over my sobbing but I ignored them. "Bradie!" I heard them say, a little louder this time. Foot steps padded down the sidewalk and stopped in front of me. I saw their shadow kneel down on the ground in front of me. They put a hand on my shoulder. "Bradie, what're you doing?" they asked softly. I took my hands away from my face and looked up at them. My eyes were blurry so I wiped them on the back of my hand. Jade. He was looking at me worriedly, a little unsure of what to do or say to me. I kept crying, softly now that someone I knew was watching me. "Come on Bradie, get up," he said, putting his hands under my arms and slowly pulling me to my feet. I kept quietly crying as he put his arm across my shoulders and lead me to the bench I had wanted to go to in the first place. He slowly sat me down on the bench and then sat down beside me. He was quiet for a moment before he spoke.

"Bradie, what're you doing crying in the middle of the street?" he asked. I shrugged as I stared at the ground. Slowly I stopped crying and sat there limply. Tears fell from my eyes but I didn't cry. "Well you're not crying for nothing, why were you crying?" he asked. I didn't say anything but took deep breaths to try and stop all these tears. I slowly shrugged again. "Look, I promise I won't tell anyone why, I won't even tell anyone I saw you cry," he told me. I looked at him. I could feel the dry tears on my face, it was uncomfortable.

"I'm just- I'm just homesick, that's all," I mumbled. It was the first thing I thought of to tell him. And it was the most believable considering we've been away from home for three weeks now. He just nodded, slowly. He put his hand on my shoulder.

"I'm gonna tell you the truth. I'm not even drunk right now and I don't know what to say," he said, laughing at himself, "But we're going home tomorow. And there's no need to cry 'cause you got all us to protect you. You're not gonna get hurt," he told me quietly. I looked at him. You're full of shit, I thought. Yes, I've got you guys but you're the ones who all hurt me in the first place!

"Promise?" I asked him. He nodded.

"I promise," I nod.

"Thanks. I uh, think I'm gonna go back to the hotel," I told him.

"Yeah, that's cool. That's nice. Got money for that car thing? And the card thing for the room?" he asked. I pulled my wallet out of my pocket. I nodded.

"Yeah I got enough and I got the card. Andy has the other card for when you come back. I'll see you guys when you get back," I told him, standing up. He stood up too and smiled.

"Have a lovely night," he told me as he walked off towards the entrance of the club.

"You really promise you won't tell anyone?" I called out to him as he walked away. He stopped walking and turned to look at me. He still had that dopey smile on his face and he nodded.

"Yeah, I promise," he said and turning back around he went to line up again to go back inside.

* * *

I stayed quiet in the taxi on the way home. Staring out the window and hating on myself for crying. And in front of Jade! You've messed everything up I silently scolded myself. Now he's going to tell everyone and you're gonna get in trouble. They'll all hate you. Well, they'll hate you even more.

"Here we are," the taxi driver said, pulling into the driveway of the hotel and stopping at the front doors. I pulled out my wallet and paid him for the fare. "Have yourself a good night," he said, smiling and taking the money from me. I shook my head and sighed, opening the car door and getting out. I slammed the door shut behind me and stood there for a moment in the cold. I watched the taxi drive away before I turned around and went inside. I pulled the key card from my wallet as I walked across the brightly lit lobby over to the set of elevators. I pressed the button for the middle elevator. The button lit up bright green as the elevator doors opened straight away. I stepped inside and pressed the button marked '6'. The doors shut and I leaned against the wall, watching the numbers on the little screen above the doors go higher. Until it reached Floor 6 and I got off. I hurried down the hallway, again looking out the window, down at the people on the streets. Though at this time of night there was barely anyone out. I swiped the key card and went inside, turning on every light switch as I went by. I went into mine and Andy's bedroom and sat down on my bed. I checked the time on my phone that I had left to charge. It was only 1am, the others wouldn't be back for a while.

I looked around the room, wondering what to do. Guess I'll just watch TV I thought. I slowly got up and walked out to the small lounge room. I was a little hungry but we had nothing to eat. Everything we had bought to eat on our trip to Melbourne was gone and we hadn't even thought to buy more. I flopped down on the small couch in the lounge room and grabbed the remote from the coffee table. I turned the TV on, flicking through all the channels before leaving it on a music channel. I sat there, not really taking in the music video playing on the TV. My mind was blank but one thing. Andy hates you, that's why he gave you that look. He's turning everyone against you, you're just not good enough. You're lucky to even be in this band. I took a deep breath just trying to get rid of the thoughts, just for once. But I couldn't. They were always there. Sometimes I didn't have bad thoughts but there was always this feeling inside me that made me sad and reminded me I wasn't good enough.

My eyes shot open. I looked around the room. What the hell? I thought. I slowly sat up and realized where I was and what happened. I yawned, I'd fallen asleep but I didn't remember. How long have I been asleep? I got up and walked to the bedroom, my legs were stiff from staying still in an awkward position. All the lights in the hotel room were still on. They mustn't be back yet. I walked over to the little table beside my bed and grabbed my phone. I took if off the charger and checked the time. 2:18am. The screen flashed as I was about to put it back on the table. A new message. I opened it. _'Hey lovelyy, we coming home soon. You got the card, u at the hotle'_ it read, from Jade. And it all came rushing back to me. What had happened, why I was here alone without the others. I could feel the need to cry again.

"I'm not gonna cry, I don't want to cry!" I whispered to myself as I walked back into the lounge room. I sat back down on the couch, it was still warm from where I had been laying. The TV was still on, playing random music videos. I sat there for a few minutes, watching some 'Escape The Fate' video. When it ended the next video started immediately. It was like perfect timing but then again I hated whoever had wanted this video to be played right now. It was a live video, from a music festival or something. The first few notes of 'Running' by Evermore started. The crowd on the screen quietly cheered, wanting to hear the music still. And this time I sat there, willing those tears to go away. But it didn't work, it never did. I listened to the song as they played it. I started to cry. Well, not cry but the tears started to fall onto my cheeks and down my face. I wiped them away. Stop! I silently yelled to myself. But I couldn't, the song kept playing. And every second of it made me feel worse. I layed down on the couch, and pushed my face into the couch cushion. Just stop! but it wouldn't. I sat up, angry at myself for crying. Youre' not sad stop crying! I told myself. But the other voices ran over my own and I believed them. You deserve to be sad. I started to cry harder. I got up and went to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror. My bright red eyes, the dried tears on my face and the frown permanent on my lips. I pulled up my sleeve and looked at my left arm, the marks from last night had faded, except the four grooves fom my nails. They were still visible and bruised a little. But I was angry at myself. Everyone will know! Everyone hates you and they'll do all they can to hurt you! Without thinking I put my hand on my left arm and did the same as last night. I dug my nails into my skin and pulled them down my arm. I forced my nails into the grooves from last night and dug into my arm. I started crying harder as the pain got worse. It hurt like hell, but it was the only thing that would help. I sank to the ground, leaning against the cabinet under the sink. I closed my eyes as I cried, everything was blurry if I kept them open. I pulled my nails away from my arm. But I still had this anger in me, that hot bubbling feeling I had had before. I wiped my eyes and looked down at my arm. There was blood smeared down my arm a little and I knew the bruising would only get worse. I grabbed the tissue box off the sink and pulled one out, covering my arm with it. My head was pounding but I was slowly not crying so much anymore.

"Bradie?" I looked up and my breath got caught in my throat. That's it, you're dead I thought. Jade was standing in the doorway of the bathroom, staring down at me with a look of shock on his face. "Bradie what're you doing?" he asked, coming over to me and kneeling down on the floor in front of me. I hid my arm, so he wouldn't see anything but I knew he'd already seen it. "Why did you do that?" he asked. He wasn't shocked anymore, the look on his face was concerned.

"I'm homesick," I whispered, my voice shaky and breaking. He sighed.

"Come on, man. That's not why you did that. Why? Just tell me," he said, and now it looked like he was going to cry, he looked sad. I shook my head and looked away from him. I stood up and peeled the tissue of my arm. I'd stopped bleeding but there was still dry blood. I wiped my eyes with my hands and turned on the tap, leaving my left arm under the running water. Jade stood up, standing beside me and trying not to look at my arm. The dry blood came off and I stopped crying. "So, why did you do it? What's wrong with you?" he asked quietly. I sighed.

"Why would you care?" I asked, bending down to get the box of tissues and pulling out a few. I used them to dry off the water on my arm.

"Because you're one of my best friends and I wanna help," he said. I stared at him and he stared back at me. You're a friend, really? You're one of the reasons I even did this.

"I was sad," I finally admitted. He wasn't on Andy's side anymore, I was sure of it. He was the only person who wanted to be nice to me.

"Why were you sad?" he asked, "And I know you're not homesick." I didn't want to admit it but I did.

"I'm sad alot of the time," I said. I looked back at him as he thought about what I said. And he understood right away. He looked back up at me.

"So you're. . .?" he didn't want to say it and I was glad he didn't. I nodded. "Why didn't you tell anyone?" he asked. I shrugged. I'd never considered telling anyone, this was something I just kept to myself.

"It would just ruin alot of things," I told him. He nodded. "You better not fucking tell anyone," I whispered and walked out of the bathroom.


	3. Two

_Saturday morning, December 19 2009_

"Race ya to the elevators!" Alex yelled, running across the lobby over to the set of elevators. Bailey and Andy ran after him, Jade walk a little quicker but didn't bother with this 'race'. Shaun and I continued walking slowly, like we'd been doing all morning. It was weird, the whole morning he'd been hanging around with me. I mean not that I had a problem with that. But when we went down to the cafe a few streets away from our hotel for breakfast he pretty much pushed Alex out of the way so he could sit beside me. When we walked to and from the hotel he walked along slowly next to me. Talking, about the shows we'd done and stuff. I had a thought, maybe Jade told him everything. But I trusted Jade, he wouldn't tell anyone. Especially 'cause I made him promise not to.

"What happened to you last night?" Shaun asked. I looked at him, pretending I didn't know what he was talking about. I really didn't. Did he see me cry or was he just asking why I'd left early.

"Nothing, why?" I replied. He shrugged.

"I don't know maybe it's just because you ran out of the club crying last night?" he said. I felt offended, was he trying to be rude to me? Or did he really just want to make sure I was okay. I bit my lip trying to figure this all out.

"I just wasn't feeling well and I wasn't much in the mood to go to a club. I just came back here early and watched TV and stuff," I told him quickly. We reached the elevators just as the doors closed with Bailey, Jade, Alex and Andy inside. They grinned at us and waved as the doors shut completly and we were left alone.

"Are you sure there's nothing else wrong? You've been acting kinda weird lately. You don't talk much and you're really quiet," he said, pushing the button to call for the elevator. We stood back away from the doors in case people came out of the elevators. I shook my head.

"There's nothing wrong," I told him. Last night after I told Jade everything he had left me alone, he said he'd tell everyone I was sleeping. I did go to sleep early though, I had a pounding headache and I just wanted to forget everything. This morning he spoke to me a bit but didn't say a thing about it all. This morning I was in a sort of good mood. I wasn't happy, I wasn't sad. I was in between. I had those bad, angry thoughts in the back of my mind but right this moment they didn't bother me. Plus, Andy hadn't been rude to me all morning.

"Bradie, just tell me. Please, I mean I only want to help. I know something's up," he said. I sighed and stared at the elevator doors. We were the only ones there, no one would know if I told him right now.

"There's nothing wrong, really. I just haven't been feeling all that great these last few weeks," I said. I guess they would have to notice something was wrong sooner or later. I hadn't gone out with them much after shows. I didn't talk much unless I had to, or I was in a good mood. And I spent all my time in the van sleeping, unless I had to drive.

"Bradie, please," he said, looking me straight in the eye. He was worried, "I just. . . I think you should tell me what's wrong. I'll help you and you can be happy again," he said seriously. Fuck you Jade, now I know you told him.

"What do you mean I can be happy again?" I asked. He shrugged and finally one of the elevators doors opened. No one got out so we got in and pressed the button for our floor. The doors shut.

"You just seem down all the time," he said, "Like something's always bothering you." He's on my side, I thought. He really wants to help me, just like Jade wants to help me. Well, he's not doing a very good job considering he broke his promise.

"I do feel down all the time," I said, quietly. I looked at him and he smiled.

"I'll help you," he said, putting his hand on my shoulder. I smiled back at him just as the elevator doors opened and he pushed me out into the hallway. I stumbled but caught my balance and pretended like it hadn't just happened. We walked down the hall to our rooms and went inside. Well, Shaun did. I had to knock on the door of Room 26 and wait a minute or two before Alex answered the door. I smiled at him and walked past him to my bedroom. It was about 10:30am now, we were supposed to leave by midday. Now, we had to pack our stuff and take it down to the van. I went to mine and Andy's bedroom. He was in there, packing his things. He looked up when I came in and then looked back at his suitcase that was half packed. I picked up my suitcase from where it was on the floor at the end of my bed. I put it on my bed and opened it. I wasn't very good at packing. I grabbed my dirty clothes that were in a pile on the floor and dropped them in my suitcase. Then I grabbed my phone charger and put that in. I went next door to the bathroom and got my toothbrush and stuff and dropped that into my suitcase too.

"I think I've packed everything," I said. I turned to look at Andy who was folding his clothes before putting them in. He looked at me for a second before opening his mouth.

"You okay?" I stood up straight, was it that obvious?

"Yeah I'm fine, kinda tired," I said and left the room. I went to the next bedroom where Alex was just closing his suitcase.

"You almost ready to go?" I asked. He nodded.

"Yeah I'm pretty much packed," he said, bringing his suitcase out into the lounge room. We didn't have to leave for a while but I wanted to leave as soon as possible so I could forget everything that had happened on tour. I went next door to Shauns room. The door to their room was open and they had music blasting from the TV. I walked inside to the first bedroom. Bailey and Shaun were in there, shoving all their clothes and things into their suitcases.

"Are you guys nearly ready to go?" I asked.

"Yup!" Shaun called without turning around. I went into Jade's bedroom next door. He was sitting on his bed, chewing on his nail, next to his closed suitcase.

"What're you doing?" I asked. He looked up, he hadn't noticed I was there.

"Nothing, just thinking," he said and stood up.

"You nearly ready to go?" I asked. He nodded. I smiled back at him quickly and went back to my hotel room. I went into the bedroom and grabbed my backpack and suitcase. I took them out to the lounge room.

"We're leaving in a minute," said Alex as he came into the lounge room. His suitcase and bag were on the floor. "I hope I don't forget anything."

"I can't wait to get home," I muttered, shoving past him with my suitcase and bag. I went over to the hallway window and looked outside. I put my bags on the ground and stared at all the people rushing around. It was sunny outside and it hurt my eyes to look anywhere but down at the streets.

"I'm ready!" Andy called coming out of the hotel room with his stuff, Alex following him. They dropped their bags next to mine and went to see if the others were ready yet. Amazingly, they were. We all went down in the elevators to the front desk to hand in our key cards. Andy and Bailey went up to the desk to hand them in while the rest of us stood outside, except Jade who had gone down to the underground carpark to get our van. Shaun and Alex were talking quietly to each other, standing right on the curb while I sat on my suitcase, everyone elses bags surrounding me. Andy and Bailey came outside a few minutes later and Jade arrived with the van. We threw our suitcases into the back of it and got in. Jade drove and I sat in the passenger seat. Bailey and Andy sat in the middle seat with Alex and Shaun sitting behind them. Shaun and Alex were still talking quietly amongst themselves. Jade pulled out of the hotel drive way and took off down the street. I put my feet up on the dashboard, shut my eyes and leaned my head against the window.

* * *

_Saturday night, December 19 2009_

I did fall asleep there in the van. I didn't mean to, I decided I'd stay awake and try and act normal by talking to Jade. But I was a little tired. I woke up when Jade started shaking me.  
"Bradie!" he yelled into my ear. My eyes shot open and I looked around. It was darker than it was when we had left. I must've slept the whole way. "We're going to eat," he said, motioning to the strip of fast food places and restaraunts we had parked along. I nodded and yawned. I still felt sleepy, like I was imagining this. I hopped out of the van, the others had already gotten out and were headed out to eat. Shaun and Alex were headed for McDonalds. The others decided to go to a Chinese take-away shop. I went with Shaun and Alex. They had already left but I knew which way they were headed, the big 'M' sign glowed brightly. I walked along quickly, looking out for them until I spotted them up ahead. I walked quickly and caught up to them. They were talking quietly to each other. Still? I wanted to know what they were talking about, I know it's not my place to listen in on their conversation but they had been talking like this all day and I wanted to know what was going on. I walked about a metre behind them and kept my head down. They hadn't seen me.

"So it probably started a few months ago. He didn't just suddenly start acting like this," Alex said to Shaun. Shaun stayed silent for a moment. Oh shit, they've spotted me.

"Yeah but I just don't get why he wouldn't say anything. How can he live like that?" he said. Me. They're talking about me. I stopped walking for a moment, annoyed that Shaun told him. My mouth drooped down into a frown and there was a sinking feeling inside of me. I was in a shitty mood now. I sighed and decided I would catch up with them anyway. I'll ask them about it. Maybe I was just being paranoid. They weren't really talking about me.

"Hey Shaun! Alex!" I called running to catch up. They stopped walking and turned around to see who was calling after them. They exchanged looks as I caught up to them. "Hey," I said, smiling small at them.

"Hey, how are ya?" Alex said as the three of us started to walk together.

"Fine," I said, pretending I hadn't heard that last part of their conversation. I knew we were getting closer to McDonalds, the big 'M' sign was getting larger and brighter as we got closer.

"What were you talking about?" I asked.

"Nothing much, just the shows and stuff," Shaun said. I nodded. So he wasn't on my side after all. They're both still with Andy. We walked on to McDonalds not talking much. When we got there we went in. I sat at the table Alex picked out and they went to order our meals. It didn't take long. After a few minutes they both slid into the two chairs across from me. Shaun handed me the medium fries I had told him to get me. I picked out a few fries and shoved them into my mouth. We ate in silence. Until I broke it. I had to tell them. It was like being told a huge secret, and you just can't keep it to yourself. You have to tell someone. Atleast this time I was telling the person who sort of 'told' me the secret. It wasn't so bad.  
"After this-" Alex started just as I was about to speak.

"I heard what you were talking about," I said. They both stared at me for a second before looking at each other. They were both suddenly uncomfortable.

"Don't lie, I heard you. Why would you tell him?" I asked, looking at Shaun. He turned a light shade of red and wouldn't look at me.

"Well he was worried too and he asked so I told him. It doesn't matter, I mean it's only Alex. He's not gonna run out and tell everyone," he said, quickly. I looked at Alex.

"You better not tell anyone," I said to him. He nodded.

"I'm not going to. I'm sorry, but it's not like I forced it out of him. I just noticed you've been different and I asked him and he told me," Alex said, shoving a heap of fries into his mouth.

"Just don't tell Bailey. Do you think you can do that?" I asked them. They didn't say anything. They didn't have time. I got up, leaving my barely eaten fries on the table and walked out of the restaraunt. It was even darker out now, so I hurried back down the street to the van. I folded my arms to keep warm from the cool night. When I got back to the van the others hadn't arrived yet. I sat on the bonnet, arms folded, waiting for them. People looked at me funny as they went by but I ignored them.

"I'm going home tomorow, I'm going home tomorow," I told myself over and over again. Don't cry, don't get angry. Stay calm 'cause I'm going home tommorow, I told myself over and over again. I don't know how long I sat there, actually it was probably only twenty or so minutes but it felt like forever. They all came back at the same time. Andy, Bailey and Jade had brought their food with them. They claimed they wanted to get to our next hotel soon. Alex and Shaun kept looking at me but I made sure I didn't look their way. I was angry. Why would he do that? Even Jade hadn't told anyone and he knew worse stuff than Shaun! I got into the van, sitting in the same seat as before, and slammed the door shut. The others got in and we left for our next hotel. My mood changed for half a second when I realized Andy hadn't been rude all day. But then I remembered why I was angry in the first place and I was back in that angry mood again.

The hotel was only about half an hour away, in the middle of nowhere. It was a small hotel with only two floors. We were on the second floor in room 5. This time we were all sharing a hotel room. There were five beds, so two of us would have to share or one of us would have to sleep on the couch. I dumped my bags on one of the beds by the window, there was no way I was sharing or sleeping on a couch.

We were all tired from the drive today so we lounged around on the two couches, watching TV and talking. Jade sat between Andy and I on one couch and the other three squished onto the couch opposite us.

"I'm so sick of getting up early," Andy complained. Shaun laughed.

"Well we're getting up early tomorow 'cause I wanna get home by dark," he said, playing with his phone. Andy sighed.

"Guess I'll have a shower then since I won't have time in the morning," he said, getting up and going to the bathroom. He shut the door behind him. We all continued to stare at the TV, bored. There was nothing much to watch. We were just wasting time until we were tired enough to sleep. Suddenly Andy's phone started to ring. He'd left it on the coffee table in the middle of the room. We all stared at it, trying to read whose name was on the screen.

'When there's no where else to run, Is there room for one more son, One more son, If you can hold on. . .' his ring tone started to play, getting louder and louder. Making everything worse and worse. Because that angry feeling I'd had since we went to McDonalds instantly dissapeared and was replaced with something worse. I was sad, again. Those tears rushed to my eyes. But I blinked them back and pretended to watch TV. No one answered his phone, so the song rang out through the room. I couldn't handle it, I reached forward and silenced the ringing. Everyone watched me and Jade noticed I was on the verge of tears. I took a deep, shaky breath. I never used to cry this much, just every couple of days. Since we've been on tour it's gotten worse.

"You alright Bradie?" Bailey asked. I looked up at him and nodded. I looked away before I wiped away the tears.

"Why're you sad again?" Jade asked, leaning forward to look at my face. I shook my head.

"I'm not, I'm fine," I said. The others watched me silently, except Bailey. He was staring at me, confused.

"Why would you be sad?" Bailey asked, looking from each of us, still confused. Alex and Shaun shrugged but Jade spoke up.

"'Cause he's always sad," Jade said, like Bailey was stupid for forgetting that. But the thing was, he didn't forget. He never knew. Jade shut his mouth as soon as he said it, realizing what he'd done. I looked at him, my eyes a little blurry.

"I'm sorry," he said. I shrugged.

"Doesn't matter. Everything's ruined now," I said, staring at him with blurry eyes, "Don't any of you dare tell Andy," I threatened them before I got up and walked to the door.

"Where you going?" Shaun called after me but I ignored him and went out into the hallway. I started to walk but I suddenly had the urge to run. I got this feeling when I was angry, like I had too much energy. I figured that's part of the reason I hurt myself when I'm angry, not just sad. I ran down the hall, down the stairs, through the lobby and out into the cold night. The cold air hit me hard, it hurt. It froze my fingers and toes right away, feeling like something was stabbing me. I stared up at the sky. Partly to calm myself down, and to stop me from crying. It did work though. After a few minutes I wasn't crying, I was calm and I wasn't angry. The running had gotten rid of that angry feeling.

What should I do now, I thought. I can't just go inside and act normal. Act like nothing happened. They know something's up and Bailey will probably ask me all these questions. Now the only one who doesn't know is Andy. If he found out I'd really and truly be ruined. He'd tell my parents. My parents would ask me about it and treat me different. Then they'd find someone to help me and I'd probably have to take some sort of medication. I'd rather this life - feeling sad and angry all the time - than that life - being different from everyone else. Though I sort of already am different. I'm the odd one out, the one everyone hates.


	4. Three

_Sunday night, December 20 2009_

"Are you happy to be home Bradie?" I asked him, turning around in my seat and holding the camera close to his face. He looked up at the camera.

"I am so happy to get away from all those screaming fans," he said, smiling, "Nah I'm kidding, I love you guys." and he looked away, back to looking out the window. I sat down properly in my seat and turned the camera to face me.

"Bradies' glad to be home 'cause he missed his teddy bears, he cried over them every day of the tour," I said into the camera. I looked up to see Jade turned around in his seat, staring at Bradie. "It's true," I said to him but he didn't hear. I turned off the camera as Shaun parked the van outside Alex's house. Shaun was going to drop us all at home and tommorow he would take the van back to the rental place. Next we took Bailey home, then Jade, then Bradie and I. Bradie hopped out of the car and I turned the camera back on. I filmed Shaun turning around in his seat. He noticed the camera was on.

"See ya kids," he said, smiling at me through the camera.

"See you later, soccer mum," I said. Shaun grinned and turned around. I jumped out of the car and shut the door. I turned off the camera and shoved it into my bag. Bradie had gotten our suitcases out of the back of the van and Shaun drove off. I was really excited to be home. I ran up the drive to the front door. The front door was unlocked so I ran straight inside, Bradie following. I dropped my bags at the front door and ran to the dinner table.

"We're home!" I announced. Everyone smiled at us and mum got up to hug us both. We ate dinner with them and told them everything about all the shows and everything we did between shows. After dinner I went upstairs to get my car keys. Turns out Shaun had snuck my phone from my bag into his and I needed it back. I grabbed my keys from my room and walked past Bradie's room on the way downstairs. I looked at him, sitting there alone in his room. He wasn't doing much, sitting on the edge of his bed playing on his phone.

"What're you doing?" I asked. I'd noticed he'd been acting kinda funny the last few weeks. I couldn't work out what was different about him but it was something. He looked up at me with big eyes.

"Nothing much," he said and looked back down at his phone.

"Wanna come for a drive? I'm just going to Shaun's," I said. He shook his head without looking up.

"Nah that's okay," he said quietly and I left him there. I ran downstairs, out the front door and to my car. I drove quickly, wanting to get home since it was freezing outside again. I knocked on Shauns front door and he answered. He grinned, he knew why I was there.

"Give my phone back and no one gets hurt," I told him. He laughed and opened the door wider. I followed him inside up to his bedroom where he picked up my phone from his bed and handed it to me. "You should've seen my mum when we got home, she was freaking out," I told him. He chuckled.

"So was mine, the others didn't care so much. Probably didn't even notice I was gone," he said.

"Nah, they probably did. The house smells cleaner now that you've been out of it for three weeks," I told him, looking around the room. He shrugged.

"I guess you're right. Hey how's Bradie?" he asked. I eyed him suspiciously.

"Fine, you saw him like an hour ago," I said. He nodded.

"I know but he looked I dunno, angry or something today," he said. I bit my lip. Something was definetly up. I should ask Bradie when I get home. But I didn't have a chance. He was in the shower when I got back and my mum wanted me to sit downstairs with her and tell her everything I'd missed at dinner. So I did, I sat there all night with them and Bradie didn't come downstairs once. Around eleven-thirty everyone went upstairs to bed. I stayed downstairs, flicking through channels on TV. I guessed Bradie was already asleep so I only had myself to talk to. I watched the last ten minutes of an episode of Family Guy and then decided to go upstairs to my room. I figured I'd find something to do. As I walked past Bradies room I could hear music softly playing. He's awake. I knocked on the door. He opened it not even a second later. He had bags under his eyes and his eyes were a little red. He mustn't of got much sleep last night, but he did sleep most of the time in the van.

"Hey, what're you doing?" I asked. I pushed on the door a little to let myself in. He moved out of the way and I shut the door behind me.

"Nothing, I was just unpacking," he said, pointing towards his suitcase on his bed. I nodded and sat down on the edge of his bed. He had the radio on, playing quietly - the music I could hear before.

"What do you want?" he asked. I shrugged.

"Are you alright?" I asked straight out. I didn't want to stall time 'cause then I knew I'd never get around to asking him what was up. He gave me a weird look before answering.

"Yes, why?"

"Well the whole time we were on tour, you were quiet and stuff," I said and when he continued unpacking and didn't say a word I kept talking, "And it seemed like you were upset about something or somethin' like that." He stopped unpacking and looked at me.

"I was okay, I dunno. I was just getting headaches heaps and I just didn't feel well. Plus, I uh, kinda missed everyone too," he said the last part quietly, seeming embarrased about it. I watched him as he slowly started to fold the clothes that were shoved into his suitcase. I nodded.

"That's cool, but are you sure that's all that's wrong?" I asked. He nodded.

"I'm sure," he said and he smiled at me. I nodded.

"Well, what you wanna do now?" I asked, laying back on the bed. I stared up at the ceiling, waiting for an answer. "Wanna watch a movie or something?"

"Nah, I'm just gonna unpack my stuff and then I'm going to sleep. I'm pretty tired," he said, picking up his suitcase and putting it in the corner of his room. I sighed and sat up.

"Alright, I guess I'll watch a movie by myself then," I said. I walked to the door and opened it.

"'Night," I mumbled before I walked out and shut the door behind me. I heard his reply 'Good night' before I shut the door. I stood in the dark hallway for a second, trying to decide whether to go back in and demand that he tell me what's wrong. I know it's more than him being homesick and not feeling well. I sighed, I guess if he doesn't tell me the first time he'll never tell me. I went down the hall to my room and shut the door behind me. I didn't feel like watching a movie anymore. I layed in bed, flicking through channels on the TV.

* * *

I woke up suddenly. I panicked and looked around, what's going on. The TV was still on, my bedroom light was still on. I looked around and picked up my phone from where I'd left it beside me on my bed. I looked at the time. 2:34am, it read. I sighed. I'd fallen asleep with the TV on, I told myself. And my breathing started to go back to normal. I needed to go to the toilet so I walked down the dark hallway, trying not to make any noise in case I woke everyone up. I opened the bathroom door, the light in there was on. I thought I'd walked in on someone in the bathroom but there was noone in there. Yes there was. I didn't even notice him there at first, but there he was sitting on the floor. He was crying and staring down at his arm. It was then that I realized what he was doing. I watched as he dug his nails into his skin and dragged it down his arm, making deep, dark red marks. I couldn't breathe. I just watched, though I wanted to look away. I didn't want to believe he was really doing that.

"Bradie, what the fuck are you doing?!" I nearly yelled at him. I shut the door behind me, hoping no one had woken up. I walked over to him and kneeled down on the floor. He didn't look up at me, but folded his arms under his chest, hiding them. "Bradie," I said, putting my hand on his shoulder. He jumped and lifted his head up. His face was stained with tears and his eyes were now puffy and even more red than before. His mouth was in a permanent frown and I knew he'd been here for ages. "Bradie what's wrong? Why are you doing this?" I asked. I almost started yelling, but I stopped myself. He shrugged and kept crying, quietly now that I was watching. I tugged on his shoulder, forcing him to look up at me. "Look, I know you don't want to talk right now, but there's something wrong. You have to tell me, I'll help you," I told him, urgency in my voice. I didn't like seeing him like this, he was always smiling and in a good mood. I knew there was something wrong and I was glad, and sort of scared, I was about to find out. I didn't like the way he was now. He looked up at me still crying. I could tell he wanted to admit what was wrong, but he didn't. "I really won't tell anyone. I just want to know what's wrong. You don't need to tell anyone else, I'll help you," I said. I told him whatever came into my mind, I just wanted to know the reason he was crying. He was still huddled into a ball, his arms tucked under his chest, except he was looking forward at the wall now. Looking anywhere but at me. I just waited, I was sure he would tell me when he was ready. He sat up properly now, his arms still crossed across his stomach. He cried harder now as he unfolded his arms and shoved his left arm towards me. "What're you-" My breath caught in my throat when I saw what was on his arm again. I opened my mouth to say something, but what could I say about this. The marks up and down his arms where disgusting and the little spots of blood, four in a row, made it worse. It made me sick. Why am I still staring at it? To tell you the truth, it scared me still.

"Bradie why?" I asked, leaning closer to him and talking softly. He shook his head.

"I was sad," I could barely make out what he said between sobs but I thought for a moment and understood. Sad? What's that go to do with it. I didn't have to think a moment longer when it hit me.

"You're," I started and he began nodding his head furiously, "depressed," I finished. He stopped nodding and continued crying, he folded his arms back across his stomach and huddled back into a ball. "So you do this," I whispered to myself. He sniffed and looked up at me, his eyes pleading.

"Don't tell anyone," he said, "Promise." I stared at him. Not tell anyone? Was he crazy?! If I didn't tell anyone about this. . . I didn't even want to imagine what would happen. I sat down beside him and pulled on his arms, forcing him to sit up and lean back against the cabinet under the sink.

"Stop crying," I told him. He tried, but I think talking about it made him cry even more. I waited until he'd stopped crying before I asked him anything.

"How long for?' I asked. He shrugged.

"I can't remember before it was like this," he said, chuckling the slightest bit. I nodded.

"Why didn't you ever tell anyone?" I asked.

"I did. I told the others - Shaun, Alex and all them. They only found out while we were on tour," he said quietly. I nodded.

"But why didn't you tell me?" He was silent for a minute before he answered.

"Because you're my step brother. I was scared you'd tell mum and dad. I didn't mean to tell the others, it just. . . came up and they found out," he told me. I nodded. We were there awhile. I asked him about it all and he replied with short, straight to the point answers. After a while he said he wanted to go to bed. So he did and I finally got to go to the toilet. I went back to bed after that, still trying to process it all. The marks on his arm stayed in my head, that scared me worst of all.

* * *

_Monday morning, December 21 2009_

I walked down stairs the next morning. The house was quiet, like last night and I hated it. I hadn't seen Andy yet, I had to talk to him though. I had to make sure he really wasn't going to tell anyone. I walked past the lounge room on my way to the kitchen. As I went by my dad called my name. I stopped walking and turned around, going back to the louge room. My dad, mum and Andy were sitting in the lounge room quietly. I stared at them all and frowned.

"Yeah?" I said, standing in front of the TV and facing mum and dad who were sitting on the couch. Andy was sitting on the recliner, leaning forward with his elbow on his knees and his chin in his hand. He wouldn't look at me.

"We know what's going on," mum said quietly. She looked up at me, she had tears in her eyes. I had to think for a second, what could they know? Until I realized.

"Fuckin' Andy! I told you not to tell!" I yelled at him. He looked up at me and even he had tears in his eyes, "You promised!" I yelled, taking a few steps to stand in front of him. He sat back in the recliner.

"No I didn't promise! Of course I had to tell them, Bradie! Did you not see what you were doing to yourself?" he yelled. Tears sprang to my eyes. I'm ruined. My parents hate me. Andy hates me. My friends hate me. The whole time they had been on his side. And after this even my brothers and sisters would hate me. I sank into the other one-seater couch in the corner of the room and buried my face in my hands. I started to cry. I heard someone get up and come up to me.

"I'm sorry, but you'll thank me," he said before leaving the room. I heard him open the front door and leave. Someone else got up and came over to me. Mum. She put her hand on my shoulders and whispered quietly to me.

"It's okay, we still love you. We're gonna help you," she said. I wiped my eyes on my sleeves and looked up at her. Her eyes were all watery and glassy looking. Then I looked over at dad, who was still sitting on the couch. He didn't know what to say.

"Dad?" I said. He looked over at me. I don't know why I called on him, I just wanted to make sure he was still speaking to me.

"We're gonna help you Bradie. You should've come to us when it started and it wouldn't have got this bad," he said. This bad?

"What do you mean this bad?" I asked.

"We know everything, Andy told us," mum said softly.

"Oh fuck!" I said and hurriedly got up. I ran for the front door and went outside. I looked for Andys car, it was still at the bottom of the drive. He was sitting in the drivers seat. I walked up to him and opened the door. "You told them everything," I hissed.

"I had to Bradie. I know there's no way you would've let me and the others help you," he said.

"I was fine the way I was. I liked it," I said, "I was happy." He shook his head.

"No you weren't. You were fucking miserable. You were depressed, that's why you hurt yourself!" he yelled, pushing me away and slamming the door shut. He locked the door and turned on the car, pulling out of the drive way and speeding down the street. I watched him drive away, with tears in my eyes. I was more scared now than I'd ever been in my life. No matter how much I hated being sad I didn't want to be like this. I didn't want to be singled out as the special kid everyone had to be nice to. I liked it how it was before. I don't need help! I'm fine!


	5. Epilogue

_Monday morning, February 22 2009_

"There's nothing else you want to talk about?" Rachel asked. She's my counseller. I to come see her every Monday at 10am. She's really nice and I like talking to her. I tell her everything. At first I didn't, when I started to see her. I didn't trust her. I didn't trust anybody after Andy had told my parents about me. But now, almost two months later, I'm sort of happy Andy told them. Obviously I haven't fully 'recovered' yet but I do feel better. I don't cry so much but I still feel sad or down alot.

"Nah, nothing else," I told her. She smiled at me.

"Okay, well I'll see you again next week. Don't forget to take you're medication," she smiled at me. I smiled back as I pushed my chair back and got up.

"Bye," I said and left the room. I walked down the brightly lit hallway to the reception where Andy was sitting in one of the plastic chairs, his head leaning back against the wall. He was almost asleep. I walked up to him and kicked his leg softly. "Wake up," I said. He jumped and sat up straight, looking up at me. Andy came to pick me up every week since mum was busy and dad was at work. Mum didn't want me to drive here and back home. She didn't want me to be alone after I'd just had a counselling session, which I didn't mind.

"Hey," he said, standing up and pulling his car keys out of his pocket. We didn't say anything to each other as we walked out to the car park and got into his car. "How was it?" he asked, pulling out of the car park and out into the street. I shrugged.

"It was okay, same as always," I replied. I looked out the window. The sky was getting dark and I knew it could start raining any moment. We drove the rest of the way home in silence. I didn't feel much like talking and I think Andy was too tired to talk _and_ drive at the same time. When we got home we ran to the front door, it was starting to rain. When we got in Andy went straight upstairs to go back to bed and I sat downstairs in the lounge room. I grabbed my laptop from where I'd left it on the coffee table the night before. I turned on the TV while I waited for my laptop to start up. There was no real reason I wanted to use my laptop, I just needed something to waste time.

Right now we were supposed to be in Brisbane again, doing an instore show. We had to cancel those shows, because of me. Rachel said that it'd be best for me to stay home since this was only the start of me recovering. I didn't argue with that. Andy and Shaun wrote something on our myspace about why we cancelled the shows. And like I thought, some people did treat me different when I first started taking the medication. It was mainly just Andy but sometimes the others would think about what they were going to say before they spoke. I usually told them they didn't have to worry if they made me upset, but they didn't listen. Andy was really nice to me, always helping me with stuff and doing things for me. That's why he offered to take me to my counselling sessions, but I think he regrets it now.

When my laptop settled on the desktop screen I opened up the internet and decided to go on the band myspace. I hadn't been on it in months but Shaun and Andy were always saying people were leaving comments all the time, saying they hoped I got better soon. And that reminded me of the letter Andy told me he posted on the blog. I decided to read that before I read any comments. I opened it up and the entry at the top of the page had the title _'Sorry'_. That's the one, I thought and started to read it.

_'Hey guys,  
First off__ we know you're really dissapointed that we cancelled the instore shows, but it was something we had to do. Bradie hasn't been feeling well the last few months and he needs a break. (See its Bradies fault! BLAME HIM!) We felt like we couldn't do the shows without him so we decided to cancel and reschedule the shows for later dates.  
We're really sorry but we need Bradie to get better before we do anything else. We hope you understand and we'll see you soon at our next shows._

_Shaun & Andy xx'_

Well, atleast they didn't tell them exactly what was wrong. That's what I was worried about before everyone found out, I was worried my parents and our fans would be dissapointed in me. But they weren't, I realized as I read through the comments on the blog entry.

_'I hope you get better soon Bradie. Can't wait to see you guys soon!'_ the first comment read. I smiled to myself. Well, maybe if they really knew what was wrong they wouldn't be so supportive. I went back to the myspace home page and clicked on the comments page. The first twenty or so pages were now full of comments from all the fans, telling me to get better soon so I could come out and play shows again. I smiled as I read through them.

"What're you doing?" I jumped and looked up to see Andy walk across the lounge room and sit on the couch beside me. He looked over my shoulder at the laptop screen. "Oh them, they're the only comments we've gotten since we told them. I guess you're the favourite now," he said, looking over at the TV.

"Why are you awake?" I asked, "Isn't it a little early?" He nodded.

"Yeah but I couldn't get back to sleep," We stayed silent for a few minutes. I continued reading through the comments until I came across one different from the rest.

_'What exactly is wrong with Bradie?'_ it read. That made me a little sad. Everyone else thought I was just really sick or something but this kid seemed to know something was up. I kept scrolling down through the comments. I clicked the button to go to the next page and looked up at the TV while I waited. The news was on. Andy's watching the news? No he wasn't, again he was looking over my shoulder at the loading comments page.

"I'm sorry," he muttered.

"What?" I asked. He looked up at me. His eyes were big, like he was going to cry any moment.

"I'm sorry for telling mum and dad about it," he said. I thought of what to say. "I was just. . . scared. Do you have any idea how scary it was to watch you do that to yourself?" he asked nodding at my arm. I hadn't hurt myself in two months, I was proud of myself and I didn't want to be reminded of it.

"I'm not gonna tell you not to worry about it, I really trusted you not to tell anyone," I told him the truth, "But then again, I'm kind of glad I got help." He nodded. He hesitated for a moment before asking something. Something that really hurt.

"I always wanted to ask, why did you start being. . sad all the time?" he asked. I didn't answer right away, "You don't have to say-"

"Because of you, mostly," I spat it out. He stared at me, horrified at the thought that this was all his fault.

"Me?" he asked.

"Yeah well, you always used to tease me and stuff. That kind of started it, but I mean it's not your fault," I told him.

"But why didn't you just tell me?" he asked, still shocked that it was 'his fault'.

"I did once and you called me a loser, so I never bothered with it again. But look don't worry about it, it's really not your fault." He looked away from me and stared at the TV. He just couldn't get over what I had just told him. After a minute or two of us sitting in silence he spoke up.

"Well, I just wanted to tell you that I am really sorry that I broke my promise," he said, not looking at me.

"You never promised me," I told him.


End file.
